$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
You Might Also Like
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…