Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
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me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
*puts my mental health in rice
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation