As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
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I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn