Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
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When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.