Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
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some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.