Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
You Might Also Like
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
can’t bark with your mouth full
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.