Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
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broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Usage Guidelines
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.