Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
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I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
At an art museum and I thought this was art
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo