Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
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I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.