Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
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I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank