It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
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Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?