Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
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Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
BRAKING NEWS!!
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
What a chick magnet..
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean