Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
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Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Still a very good boi….
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.