I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
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Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.