me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
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ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
That earthquake could have been an email.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.