Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
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[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]