Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
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Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add