Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
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Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away