Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
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[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?