HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
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I’m listening
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
[montage of me giving-up]
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no