Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
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Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.