The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
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I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.