Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
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*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”