Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
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You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.