[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
You Might Also Like
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
don’t we all
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?