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@ChemBtwnUs: Having dinner with my phone and some people.
@fillthevacuum: Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
@ElleOhHell: "Dumb as a bag of hammers" is kind of a stupid comparison because it's actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
@eeethanford: Me: Did it hurt when you fell from Kevin?
Friend: Yes, because Kevin's friggin tall and sucks at giving piggy back rides
@Spooferman_: Divorced couples have two chromosomes. Ex and why.
@TheTweetOfGod: THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!