First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
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It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”