Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
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Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
SPLOOT
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.