‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
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road rage
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so