People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
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The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”