@fixyourcompass: Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
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@KalvinMacleod: A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
@DimpleThakkar: Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
@SkinnerSteven: BOSS: "Send that email to the client and copy me-" Me:*Boss voice* "Send that email to the client and copy me"
@MooseAllain: Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.