Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
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[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours