@fixyourcompass: Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
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@ItsAndyRyan: "How would you describe the woman who attacked you?" *Describes mother* *Gets a copy of picture* *Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
@AndrewNadeau0: ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes. ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
@TheMichaelRock: Some guy told me I wasn't funny today, so I punched him in his face because nobody likes liars.
@liv_thatsme: FIRST DATE Me *dressed from head to toe like Darth Vader* Him: Haha, are you dressed like that to celebrate the opening weekend of the new Star Wars movie? Me (in Darth Vader voice): NO.