@fixyourcompass: Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
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@GrantTanaka: sorry i'm still an undecided voter, but it's hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
@OtherDanOBrien: ME: I've expressed this political opinion so clearly, there's no way anyone could misinterpret it. THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
@karanbirtinna: (Indian wedding) White friend: OMG that's so spicy! Me: First of all, it's a glass of water.
@Playing_Dad: Welcome to passive aggressive club. We're so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we'll wait.