Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
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Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.