Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
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Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place