Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
You Might Also Like
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
AM I BEING GASLIT????
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
This will never not be funny 😭
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly