I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
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That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes