Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
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I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
me linking you to my twitter
can you read it!!??
maan!
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her