I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
You Might Also Like
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
You are not alone 💚
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Facebook marketplace is a different world