Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
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“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother鈥檚 Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn鈥檛 exist and is just apart of my imagination
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
馃槣馃槣 Happy Saturday folks 鈽曪笍鈽曪笍
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal 鈩笍
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
dream blunt rotation
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job