Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
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Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Noah
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Worst bar ever.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”