shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
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Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah