Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
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ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
You got this…
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits