Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
You Might Also Like
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!