Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
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My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
<- sleeps well with others
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family