@heatherlou_: Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
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@cluedont: I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there's no need.
@SoulYodeler: Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
@sofarrsogud: MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo. *child kisses parents and goes to bed MY HOUSE: Time for bed. *mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
@Cpin42: Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job? [flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”] Me: It was just time for a change.