Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
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i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.