50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
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Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter