“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
That lamp looks PISSED.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
this is funnier than any friends episode
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “