This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
You Might Also Like
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.