“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
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My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
is this how new cars are made??
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.