Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
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[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.